My Ideal Marriage

My ideal marriage is basically a Booty Call For Life.

After seeing so many couples struggle trying to “make it work” with the Conjoined Twins approach (joined at the pelvis, if they’re lucky!), I've worked out a better system. My approach isn’t very “romantic” (in other words, traditional) and is officially banned by several churches (not really, but I can only hope). But it’s insanely practical, enables you to love someone without getting hurt or caught up in their emotional problems, and does not bother with outdated “traditional values” that are rather cumbersome and impractical nowadays.

However it’s not for the faint of heart, nor for codependents. If you need someone to “complete” you, not a romantic but an unhealthy idea, this is not for you.

Separate houses.

I rather like the idea of the Chinese “walking marriage,” where the husband walks to his wife’s house every night and returns to his own every morning. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and it’s hard to maintain a fairy-tale image of someone when Prince Charming scratches his ass and picks his nose in front of you. Happily Ever After is a huge pressure and burden when you’re always there to bicker about leaving the toilet seat up and shrinking the laundry. Annoying habits that bug you every day can be overlooked if you don’t see him day to day. Thus eliminating the need to be so picky, to look for that perfect someone.

Separate money.

Finances is one of the biggest fight-causing agents in a marriage. I’ve seen some couples almost divorce over it. If we can eliminate this one, we would all be much happier. So no joint savings or checking accounts.

Unless I want to be a stay-at-home mother, which is temporary, there is no need to be supported by a man (or woman). So why have the stress of what happens when two people who have very different upbringings and money management styles clash?

Here’s the deal: I don’t want a man to take my money for himself. Even if I eventually “buckle down” and have a traditional marriage, I will protect myself with a separate checking account. Especially if they do not know the other person’s credit history or sense of responsibility, both women and men need to do this. Forget “love;” entrusting someone like this is just foolish.

Sleepovers.

Is this technically living in sin, I wonder? This kind of sex sounds much more exciting than “The kids are in bed, you want to do it?”

It could be a standing appointment that you look forward to every week. He would be much more likely to bring over wine or flowers, or dinner, or clean up his own place. Then, when the romance is over, you can each go back to your own lives, without trying to prolong the good feelings. Save them for next week.

Separate bedrooms.

For the sleepovers. Can you honestly sleep good with someone else, maybe a snorer, beside you? Throw the honey in the guest room and grab a good night’s rest. You deserve it.

Or at the very least have a big bed and separate blankets. How many men you know are good at sharing the covers? There’s no need for the heartache.

Divorced-style parenting.

If you have enough support from friends and family, you could make this work. Most marriages do not end in death anyway, so if you want to be cynical, why put your kids through the stress in the first place. My young half-brother seems to think it’s normal to visit his mother on weekends; it’s what he knows.

Yes, it might be difficult, but how is parenting ever easy anyway? Slacking parents will be forced to contribute when the kids come over. And think of this: a few nights a week will be all to yourself.

Separate names.

I spent all my life building up this name; why change it now? I deserve my own unbroken identity, not to be symbolically owned. It may not be an issue for some, but it is for me.

Separate legacies.

Girls named after Mommy, boys named after Daddy. Children should be taught that the female line is important too.

These suggestions are rather radical, but why stop there? I may not even have a ceremony; I may not even make it legal (depending on what benefits there are to a marriage license). There is no need for love to go insane and become something like an obsession.

If you do not have a narrow and outmoded view of marital success, I think these methods, as much as you can apply them, will increase your odds. You will be invulnerable or somewhat shielded from the devastating effects of financial recklessness (though not your own), different parenting styles, cheating, and snoring or sleep-farting.

By eliminating the causes of most arguments, you might just make it where other two-headed creatures have failed.