How Not To Teach Taekwondo

I was once in training to become a martial arts instructor (long story, that didn’t actually work out). My teacher said that I was already certifiable, but that I needed to do one last homework assignment: Describe ten useful skills for class management. I like to think I learned by example.

1.     Smoke and drink in class.

Nothing sets the mood and tone more effectively than the smell of cigarettes and cheap beer. Lit cigarettes can also be used for student correction.

2.     Carry a working chain saw to class.

The right environment is crucial to student learning. The magic combination of chain saw noises, visible drunkenness and a ski mask help to motivate even the laziest students.

3.     Approach students in such a way as to make them cower.

Demand the respect that you deserve, especially from inexperienced white belts. See previous two skills for ideas. The nervous twitch you picked up when the aliens did an ill-fated experiment on you (or so you tell the students) can also be used.

4.     Set a specific punishment-of-the-day for class.

“The voices tell me that the punishment of the day will be…” This gives the instructor a creative outlet and the students something to look forward to. Be sure that it is embarrassing and that it entertains you and the other students.

5.     Always undermine students’ opinions and beliefs.

Students are always wrong; instructors are always right. Your feedback to student responses should always reflect this principle. Examples of such abuse include, “I have not yet begun to be evil,” “My favorite superhero can beat up your favorite, just like this,” and “He’s not really unconscious. Kick him some more and he’ll wake up.”

6.     Select a candidate for humiliation to use as an example.

This can be a sort of “teacher’s pet,” if you wish. Or you can pick random students each day. Even if he or she does nothing wrong, you have your recipient for “punishment of the day.”

7.     Play “twenty questions” when giving correction and praise.

“What do you think you did wrong with that round kick? If you cannot guess within one minute, I will fetch my chain saw. The rest of you can chime in with opinions on his failures too.”

8.     There is only one form of correction.

Attention student receives for doing something wrong should never be positive. Be on your guard against giving too much praise.

9.     Be generous with humiliating nicknames.

This is your class as instructor, right? Then why should students get to pick their own names during your time? References made to physical appearance, body type or previous embarrassing experiences (e.g. “Barbie girl” for a boy) are ideal. If in doubt, remember that verbal abuse is not a hate crime.

10.                        Teach concept of instructor entertainment.

“As your instructor, I am rooting for your success. I am also rooting for your failure, whichever entertains me the most.” This concept teaches students to compare themselves to others, which is a valuable skill in life and good for their self-esteem.

Brain Damage And How I Read Books

My mother recently asked me why I started books in the middle.

“I don’t know,” I shrugged, “brain damage, I guess.”

Unfortunately for me my condition has not yet been diagnosed. I’ll never give up hope, though. If you would like to better understand my pain, please try the following methods.

Fiction:

Remember that a good fiction story grabs you with the first sentence, and is not only well written, but easy to read. Classic novels are not very popular, not because their stories are poor, but because their language is too formal and flowery. A casual style does not mean that it is not descriptive, thrilling or intelligently written. Besides, don’t you have enough brain drain without trying to prove how smart you are?

Also pay attention to attention span. What makes an excellent, sparkling short story often makes a terrible novel, or at least a mundane one. Keep it short and sweet, so the newness of it does not wear off. Anything more than two hundred pages, I can’t handle—at least not without shortcuts.

Yes, shortcuts—take a nice sharp pair of scissors, and if your favorite book is too long, just cut out the excess pages and chapters. You only need the first, middle and last chapters anyway. Or, for those who don’t own scissors (and for library books—I guarantee those people won’t ever see it your way), you can simply skip ahead and read the last chapter only.

If it is too repetitive, intimidating, mediocre, or just plain bad (remember you don’t have to justify why it’s boring to anybody!), either skip chapters or toss it out. Life is simply too short.

Non-fiction:

I usually start nonfiction books in the middle. Yep, just open up it to a random page and start reading. It doesn’t matter if the material is out of context, or if the author would have preferred that you read the other chapter first (did you really think they wrote it for you anyway?). It’s more interesting this way. Even books of essays are more fun this way.

And no, I don’t then go back and start from the beginning. Just keep opening it to random places, when one part gets boring I go to another part, etc, until I read all of it or get fed up. Don’t worry, you will remember what you’ve read before, in case one part becomes another part you previously read.

This method erases all the tedium of introductions (that can sometimes be as long as the book itself), acknowledgements, copyright laws, etc. And I don’t feel a bit of guilt about it either. It’s my life, after all, no one from the library will know, and after purchasing the book it becomes toilet paper for all they care. Just be bad.

Remember also that the author is not your mother (Unless, of course, she is). Especially for self-help or health books, just take what you can use, what appeals to you, or what applies to your situation and discard the rest. Everyone is different, but books are very general.

For both Fiction and Non:

There is no law that says you cannot read more than one book at one time. This should be obvious, but sometimes it isn’t.

You should have noticed that almost all of my above points can be applied to writing as well as reading—even “start in the middle” and “skip chapters.” I use all of them in my writing, including the one about having multiple books at one time.  Even “only take what you want” is a good one, as I don’t waste time on writing scenes I can’t stand, even if they would contribute something to the plot. It lowers the quality of my other scenes, and how can I really do it if my heart’s not in it?

So there you have it—a double how-to article. Be sure to save this for future reference.

Duct Tape Legs

“Would you pay me five dollars to wax my legs with duct tape?” my cousin asked me a few years ago. It was a family gathering, he had found a roll in the truck, and had obviously noticed that his legs were getting very hairy lately. I didn’t know it at the time, but my twelve-year-old cousin might just have been more brilliant than he seemed back then.

I realize now why he had said this: He really wanted to hurt himself, but was afraid nonetheless, and was seeking an incentive to help him overcome his fear. The man was a genius! We can all learn something from him.

(I declined to become his benefactor, by the way, and he did it anyway—three times. I don’t remember ever having so much fun at a family reunion.)

I recently liked a guy and wanted to call him, but of course was shy about it. There were so many reasons not to: What would his parents think? Would I get him in trouble by calling him? What if he didn’t like me anymore? What was the use—I might as well give up.

But as I sat brooding over these things one day, I thought back to another boy I had fancied years ago, for about a month. When visiting my grandparents during this time, my uncle found his number in a church directory and dared me to call him, right at that moment, and bet me ten bucks that I couldn’t do it. I bought myself something nice that week. (Fortunately the answering machine had saved me—I’m horribly shy on the phone.)

That one flash of reminiscence inspired me. Within an hour I had put together a plan for how to contact him, to get back in touch. Within four days I had executed that plan, and was well on my way.

What can all of this teach us? Most of us are waiting—just waiting for something. We stand on the edge of the cliff and wish that someone would push us off, force us to overcome our own inertia. Why?

Because we’re scared. We just can’t take that one first step. Yet if someone put a gun to our head and forced us to realize our full potential, we would be ever so grateful to that thug.

The question then becomes, how to use the principals of reward and punishment (no, strike that one—we punish ourselves quite enough) to our own advantage?

I am reminded of the three hillbilly brothers on my favorite eighties TV show who had their own business: “Anything for a Buck.” But due to inflation, let’s just raise the price a bit.

Would you wax your legs for five dollars? Would you call someone for ten? If not, why not? If the price is too steep, perhaps you don’t really want to do it after all.

What would you like somebody to dare you to do? Why do you pray for a thug with a gun?

It’s time to start your own “Anything for a Buck” business, but this time you will be doing work pro bono. If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for those you love, to set a good example. You can’t pay a hillbilly to accomplish your dreams for you; this is the real thing. If you don’t do this, who will?

Hopefully, though, for your own sake, you will wax your legs with duct tape only once. (Did he honestly think it would hurt less the second time?)

Find Your Political Anus

Feel like you have no anus? Here’s help.

No, this is not a laxative commercial. Opinions and assholes—we’ve all got them, as the saying goes. But what if you’re still undecided? Here is how to proceed. Follow these simple steps, and you will never suffer political constipation again. Or at least, you will have a little bit of relief right now.

1. Remember that political views do not often reflect reality. A woman who is pro-life may still seriously consider an abortion should she find herself pregnant unexpectedly. This does not make people hypocrites; it only makes them human. A hypocrite always has a holier-than-thou attitude.
2. Realize that you will never have all the answers. There may never be perfect answers. For example, should we draft young men for war, to defend another country? But what then do we say to our neighbors who are being attacked?
3. Don’t be afraid to say, “I don’t know.” Just don’t be suckered into hearing a lecture about someone else’s beliefs. Often a noncommittal answer invites an attempt at conversion.
4. Don’t be afraid to change your mind. Experiences differ from person to person, and throughout a single lifetime. A changing, open mind reflects growth.
5. Go with your gut. What makes sense to you? Decide what is truly important to you, not to those around you. If you try to please everyone, you will end up pleasing no one. A cliché, but it’s true. So why not please yourself first?
6. Avoid labeling yourself—or others. No one is completely left, right, middle, conservative or liberal. And do we always know what these things are? Be a person, not a Republican or Democrat.
7. Search yourself for unhealthy political attitudes. These include cynicism, idealism, apathy, paranoia, bitterness, warlike attitudes (us vs. them), going along (peer pressure), rebellion, and helplessness. Do what you can to find the source of these attitudes and get rid of them. This will do your mental health a lot of good.
8. Ignore media hype. Remember that news agencies are trying to get you to buy their papers and magazines or watch their television programs. And even in the most objective cases, do you really know how the stories are filtered? Secondhand news is just that—secondhand.
9. Beware political humor or stereotypes. Yes, there is a bit of truth in there, which is why it is funny. But political humor is often mean or disrespectful, and we all know that stereotypes are bad. Please refrain.
10. Vote. You do not even have to use all of your ballot; just do what you know. And if you want to take it a step further, get involved with an organization that is dear to your heart. Promote your beliefs as much as you like, but be respectful of others too.

Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of a political opinion! Be sure to feed it regularly with the appropriate literature, nurture it with the supporting activities it needs, and take it out to socialize once in a while with others like it.

But remember also to teach it discipline and control. Do not let it get too aggressive, or let it fight with other people’s assholes (I mean opinions!). A dog that bites strangers gets shot down; likewise with opinions.

And, yes, there are some babies born with imperforate ani. But, fortunately, the problem can be corrected soon after birth. So now everyone’s happy!

Spank The Jester--Spank Him Hard

Why would I want to call my blog “Spank The Jester?” Because it’s fun; because it’s catchy.

But most of all, because some evil, magical fairy (who is also apparently a pervert) put a

nerd-curse on me and told me it was a good idea. Bastard.

I apologize for the fact that this is not a kinky porn site (not yet—a person can dream, right?).

It’s not even a blog about medieval stuff. (Nerd-curse, remember?) Basically I needed a

dumping ground for my oddball and sometimes depraved mind, and hopefully a little gem of

wisdom slips through now and then. And sadly, no, I am not on drugs—that I know. I think that

Jester is tainting my food…I hope he keeps it up.

So, to get this blog off to a good start, here are thirty-four reasons to Spank The Jester (it is a euphemism, and a thousand points to anyone who can tell me what it is!). As my Mom-mom used to say “I’ll spank the shit out

of you, then spank you for shittin.’” Spank on, Mom-mom. Spank on.

1. Because he’s bad.
2. Because you can.
3. Because it’s fun.
4. You know you want to.
5. He won’t stop laughing at you.
6. He’s creepy.
7. He farts too much.
8. He’s a loser.
9. You’re a loser.
10. He’s better looking than you.
11. He tried to set your cat on fire.
12. He won’t wipe that stupid, dumb grin off his stupid, stupid face.
13. He’s evil.
14. You’re evil.
15. You found crack in his room.
16. You caught him with a clown—it was embarrassing.
17. If you don’t do it, who will?
18. He won’t fight back anyway.
19. You hate him.
20. He eats all your food.
21. He’s smarter than you.
22. You think he’s trying to kill you.
23. He has more friends than you.
24. He can’t run away fast enough.
25. He shrunk your underwear while doing the laundry.
26. You caught him with sixteen clowns, in a car—it was humiliating.
27. He won’t do his chores.
28. He steals your girlfriends—as if there weren’t enough clowns in the world.
29. He gets you in trouble with the law.
30. He breaks your things.
31. He steals your stuff.
32. He’s an arsonist—remember the cat.
33. He plays his heavy metal devil-music too loud.
34. Finally, most important of all, just because he’s there.