According to my latest theory, based on my own religious background, Christians only experience four basic emotions, which they sadly mistake for their spiritual states. Two of them alternate in cycles; one is a supplement to those two, and the fourth is a tragic side effect of the other three. These are only emotions; the “reasons” given can vary widely, depending on circumstances and individuals.
Please note: This has been my experience of Christianity. It may not be yours, but I’m betting it is. I hope I don’t seem disrespectful in this post.
Despair: This manifests itself as anything from “How can God ever forgive me?” to “I’m no good at being a Christian.” It can also be “How can I ever make this marriage work?” or “Why can’t I stop thinking sexual thoughts?”
No matter what the issue is, low self-esteem is the result.
Euphoria: This is an emotional high caused by a stirring worship service, or an intense prayer session, or really anything that makes you feel “close to God.”
It is not God’s presence, it’s just your emotions, and often it’s false or fleeting. This does not mean God approves of you, that you are in the presence of God, or anything else. It’s just an emotion.
Sadly, most Christian activity is just a pursuit of this high, or a way to convince oneself that you are a good Christian and a good person.
You may have noticed that the typical salvation experience involves both of these two emotions. In fact, the incentive for salvation used by the church is an artificially induced dosage of despair. First, show them how sinful they are. Then, thank God, there is a way to be saved. Most Christians go through an endless cycle of despair-euphoria-despair, all of their Christian lives. How many times have I been saved? About a hundred, maybe. When the euphoria is gone, they worry about their salvation, and the process is repeated. Perhaps it didn’t “stick” last time.
I am not saying Christianity is a false religion. But it helps to know the tactics used within the church.
Suspicion: This is often referred to as “discernment” or “guidance of the Holy Spirit.” This suspicion can apply to other Christians, nonbelievers, churches, movements, pastors, or even physical objects. Other Christians are not truly saved and are used unwittingly by the devil; inanimate objects are demonic or are idols. That pastor is living with hidden sin (the Holy Spirit told me!); unbelievers are spiritually blinded; that church movement believes non-biblical things; why did she do or say that, if she’s supposed to be a Christian?
Too much suspicion can turn people into judgmental, self-righteous hypocrites. It’s not fun being around them.
Suspicion can also apply to having too many rules for one’s conduct. You can’t joke about sex—“I don’t find that funny!” You get other people in trouble for what they say or do, because they have to know you don’t approve. Nothing about God or Christianity is funny.
Tiredness: Finally, the tragic result of all that suspicion, euphoria and despair. You get tired of always seeking euphoria, “God’s presence,” spiritual highs. It’s all too much.
A few years ago I “cracked.” After pushing all my life, I just got too tired to push any more. I stopped reading my bible; I don’t pray anymore. Neither of these things feel natural to me, or ever have. Churches do not feel like welcoming places anymore. I don’t belong there. And I’m generally happier, now that I’ve stopped trying so hard.
No one can say I didn’t try, really hard. And I know many, many people who are only a few setbacks away from cracking like me. The other three emotions keep one from cracking. I have experienced all of them, but no more.
Are you suspicious of me? Perhaps you are tempted to be offended or be sad or write me off as lost. Are you afraid you will be like me, someday? Does the pressure to be a good Christian seem too much? You’re not alone.
Perhaps the bit on suspicion has got you feeling “convicted,” or guilty about a sin. Prepare for another despair session. Please don’t be too hard on yourself.
Believe me, I have been where you are. My heart was truly sincere; I really wanted to please God. But now…I’m just so tired.
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