Among my Christian friends, I have sometimes had the impression, based on annoyed but “sad” facial expressions, of being written off as lost, because of something I said or did that wasn’t kosher.
“Well, she’s lost,” I can just see the subtitle of their thoughts. I can read it on their face, that I’m blinded by the devil and they need to pray for me (because of something I said?). It has annoyed me to no end in the past, but now I wonder if they’re not onto something.
There is a value, actually, in writing people off. It frees you from the responsibility of having a relationship with them, changing them, or dwelling on what aggravates you about them. Imagine mentally handing them a note that says, “You’re not my problem anymore.”
Often we assign roles to people and certain expectations along with the roles. We want perfect parents, aunts, uncles and friends. For example, I expect my aunt to get off my case about using psuedo-cusswords like “That was freaking huge,” and calling our card game what it really is, Shit On Your Neighbor.
The teacher in our brain grades people according to how we think they should be, not how they actually are. I am actually in favor of a double standard, as far as this goes. There should not be the same standard for everyone, because some people simply cannot perform well as a parent, grandparent, or person. This is not about letting someone off the hook; it’s about protecting yourself from being hurt.
Hurt feelings only result from unmet expectations. Once you lower your expectations for them, they cannot hurt you as much.
I spent many years becoming sad and emotional over the way people had treated me, until one day I realized that I needed to assign them new expectations.
Now I have new, lowered expectations for people. I expect my grandfather not to be conscientious about taking his supplements. I expect my aunt to get me in trouble for saying the word “pussy.”
We’ve all heard the old clichés of “Love people as they are,” and “Accept people on their own terms.” That’s great advice, but I see little practical application for it, no actual instructions for how to implement it. But I think I’ve actually found a way to do it, though loving them is optional.
But first, you often must stop being in denial about them. You cannot accept people as they are without first acknowledging what they are. And here's how:
Write a list of expectations for each person that bothers you. Think also of how you will protect yourself from them, whether they mean to hurt you or not. Then stick to your plan. Don’t feel guilty about it. As long as they don’t change, you don’t have to. Lower your standards, then set up boundaries.
Then, when they do something that crosses the line, you will be prepared for it. It will not surprise you. It will not be as devastating.
It won’t erase hurt feelings, but the mantra “I expected this” will help you get over most of the shock.
Have your list handy, though out of sight. When they do something that makes you cringe, that bothers you, when you think about them and obsess over “Why are they this way?” “Why do they do that?” refer back to your list and comfort yourself that you actually saw this coming, or put a new item on the list.
Another important thing to remember is to make this list as impersonal as possible. Use their real names, not family names, or put their family names in quotes. Reducing the emotional to the practical helps you sort through your feelings.
You can do this for anyone. Don’t feel guilty because it’s your friend, mother, sister, husband, pastor or even God. You can certainly love them without thinking everything is rosy, love is a separate issue. After doing this exercise, you may decide that being around them is too much negativity, and limit your contact with them if you can. If you can’t, at least you feel prepared.
I did this for everyone that had hurt my feelings, or aggravated me. Because of my strict religious background, I also decided to make a list pertaining to God. It’s not blasphemy, it’s just my imperfect expectations. God can handle it, I think.
And if they exceed your expectations, if they suddenly become the person you wanted them to be, then that is wonderful! You can enjoy the surprise without comparing them with an impossible standard. In other words, you can relish any kind of progress, however incremental.
And if they never change? Then that is fine too. You have more room to live your life, and it’s no longer about them. This practice frees up your brainspace to be creative, to be happy, to come up with ideas and to avoid such negative distractions. It frees you up to live your own life, not theirs.
And don’t forget, the stuff they do may still make you cry. It’s okay to be upset. Just don’t be surprised.
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