Find Your Political Anus

Feel like you have no anus? Here’s help.

No, this is not a laxative commercial. Opinions and assholes—we’ve all got them, as the saying goes. But what if you’re still undecided? Here is how to proceed. Follow these simple steps, and you will never suffer political constipation again. Or at least, you will have a little bit of relief right now.

1. Remember that political views do not often reflect reality. A woman who is pro-life may still seriously consider an abortion should she find herself pregnant unexpectedly. This does not make people hypocrites; it only makes them human. A hypocrite always has a holier-than-thou attitude.
2. Realize that you will never have all the answers. There may never be perfect answers. For example, should we draft young men for war, to defend another country? But what then do we say to our neighbors who are being attacked?
3. Don’t be afraid to say, “I don’t know.” Just don’t be suckered into hearing a lecture about someone else’s beliefs. Often a noncommittal answer invites an attempt at conversion.
4. Don’t be afraid to change your mind. Experiences differ from person to person, and throughout a single lifetime. A changing, open mind reflects growth.
5. Go with your gut. What makes sense to you? Decide what is truly important to you, not to those around you. If you try to please everyone, you will end up pleasing no one. A cliché, but it’s true. So why not please yourself first?
6. Avoid labeling yourself—or others. No one is completely left, right, middle, conservative or liberal. And do we always know what these things are? Be a person, not a Republican or Democrat.
7. Search yourself for unhealthy political attitudes. These include cynicism, idealism, apathy, paranoia, bitterness, warlike attitudes (us vs. them), going along (peer pressure), rebellion, and helplessness. Do what you can to find the source of these attitudes and get rid of them. This will do your mental health a lot of good.
8. Ignore media hype. Remember that news agencies are trying to get you to buy their papers and magazines or watch their television programs. And even in the most objective cases, do you really know how the stories are filtered? Secondhand news is just that—secondhand.
9. Beware political humor or stereotypes. Yes, there is a bit of truth in there, which is why it is funny. But political humor is often mean or disrespectful, and we all know that stereotypes are bad. Please refrain.
10. Vote. You do not even have to use all of your ballot; just do what you know. And if you want to take it a step further, get involved with an organization that is dear to your heart. Promote your beliefs as much as you like, but be respectful of others too.

Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of a political opinion! Be sure to feed it regularly with the appropriate literature, nurture it with the supporting activities it needs, and take it out to socialize once in a while with others like it.

But remember also to teach it discipline and control. Do not let it get too aggressive, or let it fight with other people’s assholes (I mean opinions!). A dog that bites strangers gets shot down; likewise with opinions.

And, yes, there are some babies born with imperforate ani. But, fortunately, the problem can be corrected soon after birth. So now everyone’s happy!