I was once in training to become a martial arts instructor (long story, that didn’t actually work out). My teacher said that I was already certifiable, but that I needed to do one last homework assignment: Describe ten useful skills for class management. I like to think I learned by example.
1. Smoke and drink in class.
Nothing sets the mood and tone more effectively than the smell of cigarettes and cheap beer. Lit cigarettes can also be used for student correction.
2. Carry a working chain saw to class.
The right environment is crucial to student learning. The magic combination of chain saw noises, visible drunkenness and a ski mask help to motivate even the laziest students.
3. Approach students in such a way as to make them cower.
Demand the respect that you deserve, especially from inexperienced white belts. See previous two skills for ideas. The nervous twitch you picked up when the aliens did an ill-fated experiment on you (or so you tell the students) can also be used.
4. Set a specific punishment-of-the-day for class.
“The voices tell me that the punishment of the day will be…” This gives the instructor a creative outlet and the students something to look forward to. Be sure that it is embarrassing and that it entertains you and the other students.
5. Always undermine students’ opinions and beliefs.
Students are always wrong; instructors are always right. Your feedback to student responses should always reflect this principle. Examples of such abuse include, “I have not yet begun to be evil,” “My favorite superhero can beat up your favorite, just like this,” and “He’s not really unconscious. Kick him some more and he’ll wake up.”
6. Select a candidate for humiliation to use as an example.
This can be a sort of “teacher’s pet,” if you wish. Or you can pick random students each day. Even if he or she does nothing wrong, you have your recipient for “punishment of the day.”
7. Play “twenty questions” when giving correction and praise.
“What do you think you did wrong with that round kick? If you cannot guess within one minute, I will fetch my chain saw. The rest of you can chime in with opinions on his failures too.”
8. There is only one form of correction.
Attention student receives for doing something wrong should never be positive. Be on your guard against giving too much praise.
9. Be generous with humiliating nicknames.
This is your class as instructor, right? Then why should students get to pick their own names during your time? References made to physical appearance, body type or previous embarrassing experiences (e.g. “Barbie girl” for a boy) are ideal. If in doubt, remember that verbal abuse is not a hate crime.
10. Teach concept of instructor entertainment.
“As your instructor, I am rooting for your success. I am also rooting for your failure, whichever entertains me the most.” This concept teaches students to compare themselves to others, which is a valuable skill in life and good for their self-esteem.
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